At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
