Little spoons don't ask big questions
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
