Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
