True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
