who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
