Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
