cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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