I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
