U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
