After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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