All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
