Are we in a gay sports bar?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
