she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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