I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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