just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
