apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize