i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
