it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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