Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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