Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
