tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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