mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
