then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
