The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
