Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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