it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I came so hard my ears popped.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
