Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Randomize
