someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
