if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
