maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
