I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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