your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
