I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
