sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
