My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
