My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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