I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
