I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You took a bar mat shot.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
