Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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