I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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