i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
