Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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