I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
