you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
