Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
