apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
