I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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