My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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