i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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