UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
