textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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