We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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