how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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