well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
