hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
