he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize