a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
