I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
