clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Randomize
