woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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