I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
