I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
