so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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