Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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