Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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