I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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