just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
