You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
