Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
