Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
