Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
