the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We left an ass print on the piano.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
