he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
