would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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